Of Killers and Kreepers
by IcyUmbreon
Summary: -AU of Imagine: Master Chef- Johnny and Emily are in love, but Hopper and Lisa will do everything they can to ruin their hopes! What will our poor heroes do? Reviewers will be showered with cookies and love.
1. Misunderstandings

Author's note: This was written with the help of my cousin, Orange~Bear. She wrote the first part, I wrote the second. Now, if you have played Master Chef, there are some things you should know about our version of events... Firstly, Hopper and Lisa are evil and abusive. This is practically canon, what with Hopper gleefully threatening to turn everyone back, pretty much killing them, or at least rendering them unconscious. Secondly, Hopper is a boy. I'm not sure where this came from, but we decided that he seems really masculine. Or something. Thirdly, Emily and Johnny are tragic star-crossed lovers. Come on; they hug! Fourthly, Kevin is a pedophile. Duh. Fifthly, Anna is a drug dealer, who sells "cake powder" to Rachel to put in food. Also, Lisa is mildly retarded. This first chapter is just sort of stream-of-consciousness, to set the scene. The others will have more of a plot.  
Enjoy!

-Emily POV-

Today is Lisa's last day of Summer. Thank god, I was getting constant migraines from her whining around the house all day. The little bitch just moans about her boy problems and how much her life sucks. I mean really. Lisa gets everyone (granted, that includes the creeps, too). She's somehow viewed as 'cute' by the guys. Of course, there's only one guy who doesn't love her. He is the frikkin' bane of my existence. And he just so happens to be the one guy she likes. Oh, yeah, and he's a cross-dressing megalomaniacal crazy rabbit named Hopper (ooh, so malicious sounding), too. Ever since he came along, Lisa has been even more of a jerkoff than she normally is, trying to impress him by being evil herself. Of course, he's only got his eyes on one girl. One miserable, lonely girl, who happens to think he's a total douchebag. Yup. Me. And this poses the obvious problem of Lisa hating me even more than ever. Any time she sees Hopper glancing my way, she whispers to him something like, "She's a freak, trust me." And when he's not looking she'll flip me off.

Why can't she just… die? Why can't they all die? The only purpose they serve in life is to be jerks. … And to make a few innocent stuffed animals totally miserable.

Two in particular. One of those two is me, (obviously). And the other is my sole reason for waking up every morning. He is amazing beyond words. Just being in the room with him makes you feel warmer is the love of my life.

Johnathon R. Timbalt, Johnny for short. You have no idea how much he means to me. And what absolutely kills me is this; he never, ever, not even once, has said, "I love you." As if he isn't sure. I've been sure since the very start. It makes me feel like… like Lisa. A whiny, needy little doll who only thinks of herself and her man. I'm not like her! Or am I? Someone once told me that you see your own faults in others. It makes me feel sick to my stomach every time I compare myself to her. We're not the same… are we?

-Johnny POV-

Every day that I wake up is the same. Relentless abuse. From the very first day arriving here, when Lisa spat in my face, disgusted by my appearance, she and her little rabbity minion (or is it the other way around?) have been dead-set on making my life as awful as possible, a living Hell.

Sending me on dangerous missions where, if I don't have to dodge countless thrown heavy objects, I get snapped at by ferocious dogs, and all to steal some stupid kitchen utensils. Heavens above! Buy them at the store, rather than resorting to the illegality of thievery!

I can't take it. I just can't. I want to be good. I want to be nice. I want to be as kind and loyal as I can, but I just can't. I hate them. I hate them with a passion I have never felt before. They are cruel, deluded, vain things. It seems I've committed two horrendous crimes: being made a Frogge, and being loved by the one that Hopper cannot, and shall not have. Emily…

She is my angel amid this fire and brimstone. She is my savior, with her halo of golden hair atop her porcelain skin. She is like the most beautiful star: perfect, and yet unreachable. I am afraid. I am so afraid, and it shakes me to my very core. I wish I were more like her. She is brave and fiery, and stands up against Lisa and Hopper, David against Goliath. Her words are like fire, scorching her foes and warming me to my very core. She is a torch, but I am nothing more than slime, snivelling in the mud before my masters. I sicken myself. I want to speak up against them, but I am so terrified. Emily must think me a fool. I am, and a coward at that. Oh, how I wish to proclaim my love to her! But, alas, I cannot. I am pathetic.


	2. Unrequited Love

Author's Note: This is where the plot starts to take off, and, incidentally, where it gets weird. You have been warned.

-Hopper POV-

I'm sitting right now on the edge of my bed, head bent down, a knife twisting between my fingers. The very kitchen knife that was, in fact, snatched for me this morning by the very animal that will perish under its razor sharp blade. It will croak its very last deathly annoying ribbit this very night. For I, hopper H. Hannibal (shut up! My dumbass parents decided to be jerks and named me something ridiculous for their own amusement)(and now, to show for it, they are no more)(aren't I so evil?)(oh come on, I killed my own freaking parents! You must have some ridiculous standards for evilness)(dickwad)(I might just kill you, too).  
Ahem. All those parentheses got in the way of my actual talking. Let me try that again.  
For I, Hopper H. Hannibal (well at least I don't touch myself!)(okay that isn't true but at least I'm not Kevin!)(because no one, ever, will be as nasty as him)(ew).  
Damn! Maybe if I don't mention my last name those blasted parentheses won't get in the way.  
For I, hopper (hmm… sounds incomplete, whatever), shall slay the frog who is constantly getting in the way of my love (who's name is Jonathon. Jona. Freaking. Thon. Wtf?)(stop cockblocking me, man!)!  
I get up, making hardly a sound, and tiptoe over to the closet where he sleeps, slipping between the door which was left slightly ajar. I climb noiselessly up the ladder (Lisa put a ladder in her closet for her stuffed animals back when she liked them. Psycho much?) into the loft where most of the animals sleep. I am about to cross to the opposite wall where my victim is lying, when a stunning beauty catches my eye. I turn and face her, my love, my precious. Even when sleeping she is amazingly gorgeous, her hair so alive, pulsing with warmth, as if there were rays of sunlight enlaced with the golden locks. I stare at her for a while, imagining all the wondrous times we'll have together once that frog is out of the way. I reach out my free hand (the one not holding the knife) and stroke her hair, weaving it between my paws. She opens her eyes, her perfect, ebony irises that make me feel jittery every time I see them.  
"Hello, my precious," I whisper lovingly, entranced by her gaze.  
"What. The. Fuuuuck!" She screamed, and I quickly backed away, shielding my face from the possible injuries she may inflict upon it. Bad idea. Now that the knife is clearly visible in my hand, she starts freaking out, swearing like crazy and screaming so loud the floor seemed to shake.  
"It's not how it looks! I swear! I was, er, coming to-" its no use trying to reason with her; she can't even hear me, she's screaming so loud. I quickly drop the knife and run back down the ladder in hopes of having her believe it was just a dream, but it's no use. All the other stuffed animals have woken up, too, from her screams. I rush back to my bed next to Lisa's, and try to pretend to be sleeping. She opens her eyes slightly, blinking and yawning.  
"Shit, man, what's that noise?" she mutters, "It's like, one o'clock. Shiiiit. Those stuffed animals are soooo dead."  
At first I feel the desire to beg for her not to harm my dear Emily (what a sweet, sweet name), but I hold back for fear that she will be mad at me. I couldn't imagine how terrible it would be to have to face her wrath. Hmm… saying that made me feel kind of mean. Hmm… and saying that makes me feel very un-evil. I think I'll go have some breakfast now, and laugh at it while it perishes to my malevolent teeth as I eat it to feel more bad…

-Lisa POV-  
OMG! Like, today SUCKED. Those dumbass stuffed animals woke me up at, like, one am. Like, what the hell? Omg. Well, anyways, I got an excuse to smack Emily over the head with a knife I found near her. Probably trying to cut herself, the emo little bitch. LOL!  
Wait, where was I? Oh. Right. Those dickwad animals woke me up. They shut up soon enough, though, and I slept in until 10, even though it's a school day. My mom is pretty easy going about school, probably because she's normally cutting school, too (she's a senior)(having young parents is sooo cool)(it totally boosts my popularity). Anyway, Hopper was really on edge today, and Emily kept glaring at him. Hopefully, he'll see how gawdawful she really is.  
So, anyways, I should probably check on him. He just sent Jimmy out to get some cigarettes for me, lol! I walk up the stairs, up to the roof. He's there, alone. Holy shit, he's hot. His fur is, like, sooooo soft! And he's got, like, the cutest little dress! Mostly b/c I gave it to him when I was five.  
So yeah, I was staring dreamily at him. He glanced around and, like, totally saw me!  
"Hey Hoppa!" I gush, waving at him.  
"Ah, yes, Lisa," he says, sounding uneasy. "What are you doing up here?"  
"Like, looking for you!" I squee.  
"Well, I'm, er, waiting for, ah, Johnny. Yes, that's right. He's being late."  
"Ikr? Soml!" He nods at me. It's like, so cool that he's, like, the only person I've ever met who isn't all, "Can you repeat that?" I mean, god! What is their freaking problem? I talk just fine!  
"Say, Hoppa," I say, in this, like, super-seductive voice. "Wanna, like, come down to my room for a bit? We could, you know… have a TEA PARTY." I, like, do little airquotes around "tea party." He looks kinda scared. Huh. Weird.  
"Well… If you insist," he mutters, and follows me. He's, like, such a good little follower! "What exactly does this "tea party" entail?"  
"You'll see!" I giggle, like, totally making love eyes at him. Omg, he has to fall for that. Hopper looks a little unhappy. Maybe he, like, ate something?  
We get down to my room, and, like, I set out the picnic blanket and tea set. He looked all happy for some reason.  
"Omg, Hoppa, this is just like old times! Want some, like, imaginary tea?" I ask, holding out a tea cup for him. He takes it and sips. He's, like, so cute! And sooooo refined. Like, a real man. Seriously, like, what the hell does he see in that bitch Emily? She's sooooo stupid! I bet she doesn't even know that LA is the captiol of, like, California! She's got this stupid nose, ugly eyes, this dress that is, like, the WORST THING EVER, and worst of all, she's, like, immature. Plus, she likes Johnny! Major ick!  
"…Lisa, I really need to go," Hopper says.  
"But Hoppa! We haven't even had the imaginary sammiches and cake yet!"  
"But I have to get your cigarettes!"  
"Omg, I, like, totally forgot, lol. Maybe later I could make you some REAL food!" I am, l;ike, the best chef ever. Auntie Rachel taught me the secret of cooking: put cake powder into everything. Idk why it's so good! It's like, addictive!  
"Well, I'll be seeing you, Lisa," He says, and gives a little bow. Or maybe a curtsey. Idk.


End file.
